SETTING BOUNDARIES/SHAPING CONNECTIONS

Laurie and John are struggling with how best to discipline their generally well-behaved teenaged son, Sam. They share similar views on parenting except when it comes to discipline. Specifically, they are at odds with each other about grounding Sam. Both John and Laurie’s parents grounded them as adolescents. While John didn’t like being grounded, he appreciates the merit of his parents’ methods now. Laurie’s memories of being grounded remind her how painfully harsh her parents acted by giving the emotional equivalent of bread and water—like jailers.

John maintains that grounding Sam allows him the space to ‘recalibrate’ by spending time in a stable, familiar environment. Sure, Sam may resent the temporary loss of freedom and yet the goal, according to John, is to allow Sam the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of his responsibilities and agreements. Laurie understands that misdeeds warrant discipline and even feels that John’s approach makes sense.

Laurie’s struggle with setting boundaries is linked to her painful memories of feeling banished by her parents while she served her ‘sentence.’ She hates the thought of cutting off from Sam when he acts up because she doesn’t want him to have to feel as awful about himself as she did growing up. Her approach is to avoid the situation (as well as John and Sam) and put the incident behind her as quickly as possible.

Clinical Considerations
What happens when Sam misbehaves? Essentially, he gets ignored as his parents bicker about how to best punish him. It is possible that at these times Sam feels as painfully isolated as Laurie once felt.

Boundaries—when set appropriately—reinforce security and actually bring parents and children closer. Teens want to feel connected to their parents despite their increasing desire for independence. If Laurie and John join to create a team effort, she may be surprised by the positive impact ‘punishment’ can have on her relationship with Sam.

Will Laurie be able to interrupt the patterns of her past in order to build a stronger family of her own? It seems likely that she will work to resolve her painful adolescent experiences to join effectively with John for Sam.

WHAT NOW?

Jessica just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, but with the economy being so poor, she’s having trouble finding work. So, to tide her over in the meantime, she’s increased her hours at the part-time retail job she’s held since sophomore year…or so she’s told her friends and family.

The truth is, Jessica hasn’t even begun to look for a job. In fact, she’s not even sure what she wants to do. She assumed she would ‘figure it out’ over the course of school, but she feels no closer to making a decision now than she did when she started college. Her retail position will allow her to stay afloat for the time being, but she knows that she wants—and others expect—more than it can provide. She’s felt panic building under the surface, because she knows that this is only a temporary solution and she doesn’t know how long she’ll be able to make excuses and hold on.

Now, Jessica’s aunt, Grace, has told her about an opportunity. One of her professional contacts is looking to hire for an entry-level role, and he owes Grace a favor. He told her that he’d need to interview Jessica as a formality, but assuming the meeting went well, he’d offer her the job. Both Grace and Jessica’s parents are very excited, but they’re confused and alarmed by Jessica’s lack of enthusiasm.

Jessica wants to move on with her life, but she is afraid to move forward without direction. Is it as simple as picking something and sticking with it, or perhaps starting something new and learning more about herself in the work-force, or holding out until she determines what she wants, and then make that her goal?

Clinical Considerations

Every transition occupies the space of transformation between “before and after." Transitions, while unsettling, are constants throughout the stages of our lives. It is important to take the amount of time necessary to collect useful information to weigh the findings.

This first step in Jessica’s journey feels daunting because she fears making the wrong choice.  What she doesn’t realize is that all her choices, including the mistakes, grow resilience. For now, finding clarity is Jessica’s goal; and every experience she takes on is a chance for her to move closer to attaining confidence on her career path.

PROBLEM SOLVED?

Max is 36, married, and has a good job in sales. He’s a capable and committed partner to his wife, Kristen, and a likeable friend and coworker to others. Max prides himself on his ability to keep his cool and problem-solve, which he considers among his strongest traits. The only problem is, when Max doesn’t know how to handle a situation or he needs help, he has tremendous trouble asking for assistance.

When Max was nine years old, his father walked out on the family, which caused a lot of responsibility to fall onto Max. His mother returned to work, which meant that Max was forced to be entirely self-sufficient very early in his life. He had to rely on his wits because no one else was around to help him at home. His ability to get to the bottom of the problems he faced was essential and most importantly it showed his mother that she could depend on him.

Now that Max is older, he’s surrounded by people who would be happy to pitch in, but the years of conditioning are hard to break. He has trouble allowing himself to show any vulnerability, even with his wife. For her part, Kristen understands Max’s history, but she can’t help but feel hurt and cut off by his hyper-competence and divisive independence.

When Max does something well, it reinforces his self-esteem, but it also isolates him and can drive away the people in his life who want to be with him. He’s tried to open up and allow himself to be more vulnerable, but it’s hard to break free from his lifelong family pattern.

Clinical Considerations

By avoiding the help of others, Max sends the message that he doesn’t need or value them. He fails to see how making room for others to help him supports THEM, too. Asking for and receiving assistance is a wonderful way to affirm the importance of another person. Max wishes he could let go and receive from the people in his life but the thought of doing this panics him because he associates love and security with taking care of himself and doing for others.  

Will Max continue to do it all by himself, or will he dare to join with his loved ones and make room for them to help him? Participation in group psychotherapy is a treatment option Max is considering.  He wonders if in the safe environment of group, he could explore how collaboration with others could work for him.   

INSIDE OUT

Debbie’s daughter, Carrie, is in her second year of high school, and Debbie offered to help organize the school’s annual spring fundraiser. She’s regretting her decision because one of the other mothers, Laura, is a former high school rival, and Debbie is remembering all the times she felt the need to compete with Laura for friends and recognition. Laura’s experience as a part-time event planner makes her better equipped to handle the job at hand; because of Laura’s work connections, it has been easy to book a location, find caterers, and hire entertainment. All of the other volunteers are delighted by how easily the event is coming together, but Debbie is focusing on how little she’s been able to contribute.

As Debbie compares herself to Laura, she fears she isn’t measuring up; moreover, she is certain that Laura and the others are judging her harshly. Debbie is frustrated and has decided she hates fundraising. She blames herself for volunteering in the first place, even though she did it so Carrie would feel special. Once again, she has tried so hard to be liked, in hopes that the others will say good things about her.   

Clinical Considerations

Debbie doesn’t realize how she has repeatedly put herself in these painful situations. Her hyper-awareness about how people view her—or how she thinks they view her—started in childhood, when her mother’s focus on her having the right friends and a good reputation felt like love. Her mother’s need to keep Debbie dependent on her for affirmation and validation has interfered with Debbie’s ability to develop self-confidence of her own. As a result, Debbie continues this cycle of dependence, allowing others to shape how she feels about herself. 

What Debbie doesn’t realize is that the thoughts she believes others are having about her are a reflection of her own perception. The competition, loneliness, and distance she feels are created by her certainty that others don’t value her. Breaking this pattern is a difficult shift to make. Debbie wonders how she can resolve her feelings of inadequacy and dependency in order to keep from passing them on to her daughter.

Debbie’s first step in developing self-confidence is to look inside instead of out.

GROWING PAINS

Meet Jim, a 48-year-old father of two. His son and daughter, Jack and Christy, are now in high school. Jim has always had high standards for his children and pushed them to excel academically. While his expectations produced positive results in the past, he now feels extremely challenged by their lack of effort. He hates feeling disappointed and angry with them, but doesn’t know what to do.  

Jack and Christy are psyched about the freedom that high school affords them. After years of their father breathing down their necks, extracurricular activities finally allow for some autonomy. But without anyone holding them accountable, Christy and Jack are now discovering that it can be difficult to stay on top of everything. School has become more challenging, and they’re finding that it’s easier to accept poor results when you don’t try in the first place.

For his part, even though Jim is successful now, he often doesn’t have as much confidence as he would like. This is why he’s gone to such lengths to push his kids; he wants them to know their own potential and be accountable to themselves and their teachers. What Jim’s kids don’t realize is that his controlling behavior with them is the result of him having felt unsupported by his own parents. Like many neglected kids, when Jim struggled in school and his grades slipped, it was because he lacked the kind of support he longed for at home. Sadly, even though Jim’s overbearing insistence that Christy and Jack succeed directly contrasts with his own parents’ lack of involvement, the outcome is shaping up to be the same.  

Will Jim figure out how to give his children the kind of attention that will empower them, or will his demands and expectations ultimately belittle them? Because Jim’s high standards have been the sole motivating factor in their lives, Jack and Christy don’t know the benefit and power of trial-and-error efforts. They can’t begin to realize how these very experiences ignite curiosity, motivation, effort, and self-esteem. 

Clinical Considerations: 

We can all respect Jim’s anxiety for his children and his efforts to protect them. Yet, his error, like many others, is based on a belief in opposites. Consider how 180 degrees from dysfunction is dysfunction: Neglect is as much a problematic behavior as overprotection.  

If we look more deeply at Jim’s disappointment and anger toward his teenage children, an element of profound fear and sadness seems to lurk below the surface. While no parent wants their children to shoulder the insecurities of their own past, many believe that masking emotional disappointment behind a show of power and confidence will somehow protect them. Compensating for past emotional pain is like the old shell game, the one with three cups and a pea. The secreted vulnerability (the pea) continues to exist in spite of the sleight-of-hand bravado that keeps it from being seen. When Jim’s children fail to accomplish the heroic feats he expects will benefit and protect him, his old sorrows emerge. As hard as it is for Jim to give them the space to prove their own potential, he must first own and reconcile his old sorrows if he’s to teach his children well.  

CAREGIVE-AND-TAKE?

Sarah and Jack have been dating for just over a year, and their relationship has generally been problem-free. In the early stages, Sarah was pleasantly surprised by Jack’s nurturing behavior; it seemed he was constantly surprising her with flowers, picking up her favorite foods on trips to the store, and leaving notes for her to find. More recently though, Sarah has begun to question what drives Jack’s considerate actions.

Sarah’s concerns surfaced when she made a New Year’s resolution to lose ten pounds. Over the holidays, she had put on a bit of weight and wasn’t thrilled about it. She expressed this to Jack, letting him know that she would be working hard to watch her diet and would appreciate his support. He agreed, and for the next few days Sarah did her own shopping, prepared meals, and stuck to her plan. Jack even researched and cooked healthy recipes for dinner a few nights.

On day 4, Sarah arrived home to find a package of her favorite cookies sitting on the kitchen counter. When she questioned Jack, he became annoyed that she wasn’t more appreciative of his thoughtfulness. He liked how she always made a big deal over his loving gestures; what was the problem now? The same thing happened several more times over the next few weeks, and Sarah was frustrated that Jack wasn’t supporting her resolution as she’d asked. Even worse, he would become sensitive and moody when she avoided his treats.

Sarah appreciated how Jack could see her responses as rejection, but she’s wasn’t rejecting him; she just didn’t want to sabotage her efforts. For his part, Jack saw his acts of kindness as altruistic expressions of tenderness.  Sarah struggled to figure how she could help Jack separate the selfless acts that she so appreciates from those she doesn’t like without hurting him or having to swallow her own feelings.

Clinical Considerations:  
Selfless acts can make us feel good about ourselves. This, of course, introduces the question: how selfless is any action, really? Jack likes being appreciated.  Of course he does!  Over time, however, his gifts became more about his need to be recognized as a loving partner than about cherishing Sarah.

When Jack’s care-giving transitioned into care-taking, his outward-focused gestures were replaced by an inward-focused desire to feel valued. Jack’s frustration at not having his emotional needs met clouded his ability to see how his actions were failing Sarah.

Love supports empowerment, and outward-focused gestures that reflect love are those that are in your partner’s best interest. While it’s always wonderful to feel appreciated in our relationships, when it comes to acts of kindness, we must remember to ask ourselves: who will feel the greatest benefit from our gift?

Situations like these can help us to explore our true gift-giving intentions and to remember how much hearing, respecting and responding to our partner’s needs and desires are among the great gifts of loving.

Happy Valentine’s Day!