SEEKING THE PERFECT GIFT...

As holiday expectations awaken nostalgic feelings of how life could be and merge with “the stuff that dreams are made of,” disillusionment abounds. The power of these wistful longings can take us by surprise amidst the demands of our busy lives. As seen in the group interactions below, added bumps in the road can impose unsettling ‘shoulds’ that make it difficult to contain disappointment in a season when cheerfulness is the holiday norm.

Lauren started the group session by saying she was feeling awkward and embarrassed about an upset that occurred during a phone call with her friend Jake. She reminded the group that she first met Jake when he dated her college roommate. Since they have jobs near each other, they continue to spend a lot of time together even though their friendship is strictly platonic. When Lauren recently called Jake to arrange a holiday get-together, she was shaken when he said he had a date. In group, she mumbled under her breath that she thought she was just being silly.

Mike, a long-time group member, was concerned that Lauren was minimizing her feelings and said he wanted to know more about what was upsetting her. The rest of the group echoed his concern.

Lauren told us she really didn’t understand why she was taken aback when Jake said he had a dinner date with Sarah, a co-worker of hers whom he met when Lauren took Jake to a work event. Lauren told us she felt a jolt of jealousy and wasn’t able to sufficiently mask this feeling. She could hear Jake’s discomfort as he explained how networking with Sarah seemed to be a good idea since they were in the same field. Lauren told us she hurriedly agreed with him, adding that Sarah had always seemed nice; then she abruptly ended the phone call. Lauren admitted that she was surprised by her intense feelings and asked the group if they thought her feelings reflected some latent romantic interest in Jake.

John asked Lauren if she felt abandoned by Jake. Lauren said she was mostly feeling left out of the loop with him and that, if not for the scheduling conflict, she wouldn’t even know about Jake’s interest in Sarah. John countered that her implied supposition - that if she didn’t know about it, it wouldn’t have bothered her - was irrelevant, because she does know about it and it is causing her pain!

Christa said she was curious about John’s agitation but that she first wanted to tell Lauren how much she understood her feelings because of a similar experience. She told Lauren how she was surprised by feelings of anger, jealousy and disappointment when she inadvertently found out that Ruth, her ex, was included in a get-together with friends they had known as a couple for over a decade. Even though she knew she wouldn’t have wanted to be included, she said, “It really hurts to be left out!” Christa then added that it was soothing to focus on the good things in her life, including being in this group.

Mike said he didn’t want to be insensitive but that he identified with Jake wanting a real girlfriend. He said he is hoping to meet someone - maybe at one of the holiday parties - before he heads home to his family’s incessant inquiries about “settling down.” Separate from that pressure, Mike explained that he actually feels ready for someone special to come into his life, to be with during the holidays and beyond.

Mary added that her teenage daughters struggle weekly with stinging disappointment and pain about who’s in and who’s out with this friend or that clique. That these shifts occur regularly with lightning speed doesn’t make handling these difficulties any easier for her or them. Addressing Lauren directly, she said, “Of course it is upsetting to discover that your friendship with Jake is changing.”

As the group connected with Lauren, themselves and each other, I was aware of John struggling with some difficult emotions. I asked him if he had a personal connection to his concern that Lauren had been abandoned. He said he sensed a lot of sadness in the group and that it reawakened the loneliness he continues to feel during the holidays ever since his mother died when he was fourteen. John said, “I miss how she made the holidays wonderful with smells, music, decorations, laughter and joy. Without her, every year the holidays are a sad stretch of time from Thanksgiving to New Years for everyone in my family.” As tears pooled in John’s eyes, Christa let him know she now understood what was going on for him earlier when he confronted Lauren. John nodded his appreciation to her and to the group.

Clinical Considerations
This holiday season summons early memories and experiences. For some, these are heartwarming remembrances. Others hope that this year a meaningful connection will somehow materialize in the glow of holiday cheer, a connection that will magically satisfy their deepest yearnings. Fantasies of holiday dreams coming true can actually make us more vulnerable to disappointment and inadvertent slights by others. When these upsets awaken and amplify past sorrows the pain is real.

The ongoing need for secure and satisfying connections within oneself and with others is a universal condition. Achieving and experiencing these important connections confound many of us. A major culprit in keeping deep connections out of reach is the belief that we ‘should’ keep difficult feelings concealed. Sadly this is a behavior valued by many. Unacknowledged and unexpressed feelings actually cause personal problems and relationship difficulties. Perhaps you noticed in the group’s interactions how each group member spoke openly about their feelings, how they valued joining with each other, and how their exchanges reflected efforts to appreciate and connect in their group therapy work. The commitment to grow together is embraced by the group members as they engage collaboratively to understand and connect with one another within the safe and secure container of the group experience.

If you have someone in your life who provides you the space to share your feelings openly, who creates time to connect with you and who will witness you without judgment as your life unfolds, consider yourself blessed. If you don’t have such a person in your life, you are at risk for letting your difficult feelings go underground again until this time next year. Discover how sharing with others in the here and now of a group is the real gift to seek.

PS: Group psychotherapists also provide individual therapy to help you understand you needs and goals before you join with others in a psychotherapy group. Find a Certified Group Psychotherapist in your local area: http://member.agpa.org/scriptcontent/Directory/CGPDir/cgpdirectory.aspx

SHARING THANKS

We met Kara and Dave in the September 2014 blog post. At Dave’s request, they came for a couples session to check on how they were doing as newlyweds and then decided to continue couples therapy to strengthen their relationship. A big issue for Dave was his concern that Kara agreed with whatever he wanted without ever letting him know what she wants. Kara appreciated his honesty; however, she didn’t understand how her desire to please Dave didn’t make him happy. Others like how she attends to them and her mother not only likes it, she expects it, especially during her drinking episodes. It was difficult for Kara to consider the significance of how her mother’s drinking encouraged Kara’s need to please others instead of being fully in relationship with them. At my suggestion, Kara started attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics to better understand her mother’s impact on her behavior. While this was hard work for Kara, she was excited to be growing in her marriage with Dave. All was going well and they both liked feeling closer and safer with each other.

Hosting Thanksgiving dinner for both their families seemed a lovely way for them to express their appreciation for their families’ ongoing support. Kara and Dave imagined how organizing this special event would be a fun activity for them to do together. Yet, it wasn’t unfolding as they had hoped. Each time Dave offered to take on responsibilities, Kara said she had them covered, even though he knew she didn’t. Finally Dave decided to talk about this with Kara in a couples session.

In the session, Kara told Dave she wanted everything to be perfect and that she didn’t have the time to teach Dave how to do certain things, much less trust that he would follow through and carry them out well. Dave was angry and accused Kara of being unfair. Kara argued that she wouldn’t have to shut him out if he would just let her take care of things. Dave thought Kara’s logic was skewed although he could see how he used enthusiasm to coerce Kara into cooperating and to veil his own disappointment. Kara admitted having a negative reaction to Dave’s enthusiasm. She recalled times with her mother when she joined in on what was promised to be a fun activity, only to have it end up becoming a horrible mess for Kara to clean up. Whenever her mother was involved, “perfect” was a fantasy. Kara realized how believing if she took on the sole responsibility for Thanksgiving she could protect Dave from feeling awful when her mother messed it up was her fantasy. As Kara said this, she started to recognize how pleasing others was really more about controlling outcomes.

Clinical Considerations
Dave and Kara are making strides in their relationship. At this point we can observe how they feel safe enough to struggle with the underlying, unconscious dynamics in their shared life together. Kara’s idea of normal is reflected in her attempts to be pleasing in order to protect those she loves. Children of alcoholics typically care for others to get the approval they need. This plays out for Kara in her relationship with her mother. No matter how often Kara attempts to prevent upsets, she seems to fail and then is left to clean up her mother’s messes. At some level Kara believes she isn’t good enough to warrant love unless she is perfect. Kara repeats this dynamic when she justifies shutting Dave out of their Thanksgiving preparations. Dave’s anger at Kara is new behavior for him. As Dave willingly takes responsibility for manipulating Kara and deflecting his own disappointment, he is met by Kara openly responding to his generosity and humility. Hosting their first Thanksgiving gathering is providing them abundant opportunities to appreciate each other’s vulnerabilities and deepen their commitment to each other.

DITCHING THE DISGUISE

Kristin is a 29-year old who appears to “have it all”: she is successful at work; she is popular with her colleagues and friends; and she has been with her boyfriend, Josh, for two years and anticipates a marriage proposal soon. Yet, she feels overwhelmed and inundated by the eagerness of her girlfriends, who seem certain about almost everything: when couples get engaged, how much time between the proposal and wedding, when to merge households, what type of wedding, where to honeymoon and so forth. Kristin’s secretly struggling because her preference has always been to accommodate the expectations of others rather than to make her own choices. 

When she realizes she can’t maintain her “having it all” disguise, she starts avoiding meeting up with her friends. Instead, she goes home most evenings and curls up on the couch with a bottle of wine to relax and calm her nerves.

The downside of this was that drinking every evening made her feel sluggish during the day. It wasn’t until her work performance became erratic that she took the initiative to schedule a therapy appointment.

Clinical Considerations

For as many individuals who seek therapy to cope with clinical issues, there are also those who simply come for help to get through a particularly tough time. After a few sessions, Kristin felt more in charge of her life again and less anxious.  She stopped drinking every night and started exercising again after work. She confided in Josh about feeling pressured by the constant advice from their friends about everything having to do with their lives.  Josh was supportive and reassuring.

Kristen used therapy to look at her pattern of accommodating others’ expectations of her. She began to realize how her perceptions of what she thinks others expect of her is really self-imposed. This helped her begin to figure out what she wanted for herself and to trust showing up as herself in her relationship with Josh and her interactions with others.

Kristin is proud of being proactive about her self-care. She likes the work she has been doing in therapy. She’s back on track at work. She and Josh have agreed to have regular checkpoints of their own - rather than subscribe to any ‘expected’ timelines from their friends.  She is even thinking about shifting from individual therapy to group therapy as a way to continue to make strides within herself and in the company of others.

GETTING REAL

Kara and Dave came in for a counseling session at his suggestion, just to make sure they were doing okay a little over a year into their marriage. They both described their relationship as being pretty easygoing and conflict-free. Kara said she thinks she is a good wife; she likes supporting Dave, and he likes her pampering attention. He just wishes she would let him pamper her too.

They continued to meet with me, and in one of their sessions, Dave expressed concern that Kara doesn’t voice any disagreement with him at all—constructive or not. He told Kara that it’s as if she’s walking on eggshells and wondered if he was doing anything to frighten her. Kara didn’t think so, but did state her focus is on keeping him from getting upset. I wondered if perhaps Kara thought she could prevent upsets between them if she smoothed out any possibility of emotional wrinkles before they even occurred. Yes, she nodded; she does this so Dave will love her.

When I followed up with Kara about preventing upsets, she told me that she did this with her mother and how it seemed to make life easier. Dave commented that sometimes his mother-in-law drinks too much and it can get really uncomfortable for everyone. When Kara said it wasn’t really that bad, Dave sighed and looked away. I asked Dave what was going on and he said, “Kara is keeping you at arm’s length the same way she does with me.” He added that seeing Kara be so vague with me about her long-standing problems with her mother made him feel hopeless. “It’s like she is there but isn’t really there, and no matter how nice Kara is to me, I end up feeling lonely.” Kara cried, then she told Dave she was trying so hard to be a good wife and she didn’t mean to upset him. She promised to work harder to make it easier for him to love her.

Clinical Considerations
A common yet mistaken belief is that “goodness ensures love.” The flaw in this is that it frames love as a deliverable commodity rather than a felt emotion. Believing that one is only as good as the value they provide is a trap. Kara didn’t create this trap for herself, yet she is continuing to live it because she believes it is her responsibility to prevent upsets. In doing this, she is proving she is good and, therefore, loveable.

In couple’s therapy with Dave and by attending, at my suggestion, meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Kara is learning how ACOAs tend to have distorted perspectives about love. Children who have been denied good care themselves and were required to care for their parent(s) think if they were just “better” it would be different. Kara’s solution was to first anticipate her mother’s needs and, when that failed, to simply say “yes” to her mother’s demands. This habitual pattern became her default response to keep the peace.

It wasn’t until Dave told Kara how lonely he was that she started to recognize how her anxious attentiveness made her feel lonely, too. Kara sees now how loving Dave “perfectly” is going to be impossible for him and for her—because when she focuses the spotlight on him, she has no way to be in that glow with him. Kara is beginning to understand that fawning over Dave isn’t the same as connecting with him. While it still scares her to get too close to him, Kara recognizes how getting real with him will strengthen and grow their marriage.

NOT ALWAYS AS IT SEEMS

Chris is in his early 30s. A talented accountant, he’s succeeded in many areas of his life despite a less-than-ideal childhood. His father was a harsh and erratic disciplinarian and the whole family simply endured his volatile moods. Once Chris left for college and was able to distance himself from this unpredictable environment, he started to realize that he had real trouble letting his guard down enough to connect with others. After getting settled in a good job, he decided individual therapy might be beneficial. Therapy really helped him understand how his difficulties at home were complicating his life. Even though Chris was receptive to new viewpoints and input, he recognized his difficulty in translating them into his relationships with others. His therapist, Laura, appreciated his commitment and effort in his individual work and believed that interaction with others in group therapy could advance his interpersonal goals. With this in mind, Laura, who is also a certified group psychotherapist, suggested he consider joining one of her groups. Chris liked the idea of adding group therapy to his work in individual therapy.

In group, it wasn’t long before Laura observed how the usually-affable Chris clouded over whenever Joe took the floor. She also noticed his apprehension when Mary periodically collapsed into tears. In Chris’ individual session, he openly expressed annoyance at Joe’s tendency to ‘hijack’ discussions with his own specific agenda. Chris explained that when Joe inserts himself and takes over, how despite his best effort to stay unruffled, he feels angry. Mary’s tears frighten him because he never understands what causes them, so he doesn’t say anything. Laura shared how at these times she senses that he seems to stiffen. At first Chris was confused by Laura’s description of his behavior in group. Upon reflection though, he shared that when he doesn’t know what to do, he just shuts down. Chris went on to say that he doesn’t think being in group is helping him.

Clinical Considerations
In Laura’s supervision session with me, she explained that Chris associates Joe’s tendency to dominate the group with his father’s behavior. However, Laura was puzzled about whom Mary might represent for Chris. I wondered if perhaps both Joe and Mary represent Chris’ father. Laura noted the parallel impact of Joe’s intrusiveness and Mary’s tears on her client and how these expressions of intense emotion seem to stimulate vulnerability in Chris. Laura then expressed concern that the group experience might be too overwhelming for Chris. When he “shuts down”, it is at the expense of his own progress: each time he emotionally leaves the group, he loses an opportunity to explore his feelings and ultimately to change his behavior. I recalled how moved I was by Chris’ trust with her in individual therapy and Laura wondered if Chris could access his secure connection to her when he is in group. If he could, then group could become the safe environment he needs to make the changes he wants. Laura believes that in time Chris will be able to identify and explore his instinct to retreat in the face of intensely expressed emotions and the vulnerability they represent. She looks forward to the time that Chris will be able to openly connect with others in his group.

SETTING BOUNDARIES/SHAPING CONNECTIONS

Laurie and John are struggling with how best to discipline their generally well-behaved teenaged son, Sam. They share similar views on parenting except when it comes to discipline. Specifically, they are at odds with each other about grounding Sam. Both John and Laurie’s parents grounded them as adolescents. While John didn’t like being grounded, he appreciates the merit of his parents’ methods now. Laurie’s memories of being grounded remind her how painfully harsh her parents acted by giving the emotional equivalent of bread and water—like jailers.

John maintains that grounding Sam allows him the space to ‘recalibrate’ by spending time in a stable, familiar environment. Sure, Sam may resent the temporary loss of freedom and yet the goal, according to John, is to allow Sam the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of his responsibilities and agreements. Laurie understands that misdeeds warrant discipline and even feels that John’s approach makes sense.

Laurie’s struggle with setting boundaries is linked to her painful memories of feeling banished by her parents while she served her ‘sentence.’ She hates the thought of cutting off from Sam when he acts up because she doesn’t want him to have to feel as awful about himself as she did growing up. Her approach is to avoid the situation (as well as John and Sam) and put the incident behind her as quickly as possible.

Clinical Considerations
What happens when Sam misbehaves? Essentially, he gets ignored as his parents bicker about how to best punish him. It is possible that at these times Sam feels as painfully isolated as Laurie once felt.

Boundaries—when set appropriately—reinforce security and actually bring parents and children closer. Teens want to feel connected to their parents despite their increasing desire for independence. If Laurie and John join to create a team effort, she may be surprised by the positive impact ‘punishment’ can have on her relationship with Sam.

Will Laurie be able to interrupt the patterns of her past in order to build a stronger family of her own? It seems likely that she will work to resolve her painful adolescent experiences to join effectively with John for Sam.

WHAT NOW?

Jessica just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, but with the economy being so poor, she’s having trouble finding work. So, to tide her over in the meantime, she’s increased her hours at the part-time retail job she’s held since sophomore year…or so she’s told her friends and family.

The truth is, Jessica hasn’t even begun to look for a job. In fact, she’s not even sure what she wants to do. She assumed she would ‘figure it out’ over the course of school, but she feels no closer to making a decision now than she did when she started college. Her retail position will allow her to stay afloat for the time being, but she knows that she wants—and others expect—more than it can provide. She’s felt panic building under the surface, because she knows that this is only a temporary solution and she doesn’t know how long she’ll be able to make excuses and hold on.

Now, Jessica’s aunt, Grace, has told her about an opportunity. One of her professional contacts is looking to hire for an entry-level role, and he owes Grace a favor. He told her that he’d need to interview Jessica as a formality, but assuming the meeting went well, he’d offer her the job. Both Grace and Jessica’s parents are very excited, but they’re confused and alarmed by Jessica’s lack of enthusiasm.

Jessica wants to move on with her life, but she is afraid to move forward without direction. Is it as simple as picking something and sticking with it, or perhaps starting something new and learning more about herself in the work-force, or holding out until she determines what she wants, and then make that her goal?

Clinical Considerations

Every transition occupies the space of transformation between “before and after." Transitions, while unsettling, are constants throughout the stages of our lives. It is important to take the amount of time necessary to collect useful information to weigh the findings.

This first step in Jessica’s journey feels daunting because she fears making the wrong choice.  What she doesn’t realize is that all her choices, including the mistakes, grow resilience. For now, finding clarity is Jessica’s goal; and every experience she takes on is a chance for her to move closer to attaining confidence on her career path.

PROBLEM SOLVED?

Max is 36, married, and has a good job in sales. He’s a capable and committed partner to his wife, Kristen, and a likeable friend and coworker to others. Max prides himself on his ability to keep his cool and problem-solve, which he considers among his strongest traits. The only problem is, when Max doesn’t know how to handle a situation or he needs help, he has tremendous trouble asking for assistance.

When Max was nine years old, his father walked out on the family, which caused a lot of responsibility to fall onto Max. His mother returned to work, which meant that Max was forced to be entirely self-sufficient very early in his life. He had to rely on his wits because no one else was around to help him at home. His ability to get to the bottom of the problems he faced was essential and most importantly it showed his mother that she could depend on him.

Now that Max is older, he’s surrounded by people who would be happy to pitch in, but the years of conditioning are hard to break. He has trouble allowing himself to show any vulnerability, even with his wife. For her part, Kristen understands Max’s history, but she can’t help but feel hurt and cut off by his hyper-competence and divisive independence.

When Max does something well, it reinforces his self-esteem, but it also isolates him and can drive away the people in his life who want to be with him. He’s tried to open up and allow himself to be more vulnerable, but it’s hard to break free from his lifelong family pattern.

Clinical Considerations

By avoiding the help of others, Max sends the message that he doesn’t need or value them. He fails to see how making room for others to help him supports THEM, too. Asking for and receiving assistance is a wonderful way to affirm the importance of another person. Max wishes he could let go and receive from the people in his life but the thought of doing this panics him because he associates love and security with taking care of himself and doing for others.  

Will Max continue to do it all by himself, or will he dare to join with his loved ones and make room for them to help him? Participation in group psychotherapy is a treatment option Max is considering.  He wonders if in the safe environment of group, he could explore how collaboration with others could work for him.