Debbie’s daughter, Carrie, is in her second year of high
school, and Debbie offered to help organize the school’s annual spring
fundraiser. She’s regretting her decision because one of the other mothers,
Laura, is a former high school rival, and Debbie is remembering all the times she
felt the need to compete with Laura for friends and recognition. Laura’s
experience as a part-time event planner makes her better equipped to handle the
job at hand; because of Laura’s work connections, it has been easy to book a
location, find caterers, and hire entertainment. All of the other volunteers
are delighted by how easily the event is coming together, but Debbie is
focusing on how little she’s been able to contribute.
As Debbie compares herself to Laura, she fears she isn’t
measuring up; moreover, she is certain that Laura and the others are judging
her harshly. Debbie is frustrated and has decided she hates fundraising. She
blames herself for volunteering in the first place, even though she did it so
Carrie would feel special. Once again, she has tried so hard to be liked, in
hopes that the others will say good things about her.
Clinical Considerations
Debbie doesn’t realize how she has repeatedly put herself in these
painful situations. Her hyper-awareness about how people view her—or how she thinks they view her—started in
childhood, when her mother’s focus on her having the right friends and a good
reputation felt like love. Her mother’s need to keep Debbie dependent on her for
affirmation and validation has interfered with Debbie’s ability to develop
self-confidence of her own. As a result, Debbie continues this cycle of dependence,
allowing others to shape how she feels about herself.
What Debbie doesn’t realize is that the thoughts she believes
others are having about her are a reflection of her own perception. The
competition, loneliness, and distance she feels are created by her certainty
that others don’t value her. Breaking this pattern is a difficult shift to
make. Debbie wonders how she can resolve her feelings of inadequacy and
dependency in order to keep from passing them on to her daughter.
Debbie’s first step in developing self-confidence is to look inside instead of out.