REPAIR: A JOURNEY TO CONNECTION

Our discussion of the “4R’s – Rupture Regression, Repair and Resolution” began in January 2015. This is an easy-to-remember model for identifying and effectively managing internal and interpersonal upsets. When a rupture occurred between Tim and Barb at a party, their regressive emotional reactions revealed significant struggles in their relationship. Follow their work now in the proactive conscious steps of relationship regulation - Repair and Resolution. In this post the focus is on Repair: a time of awareness, truth and understanding.

Tim and Barb started moving toward repair when the regressive reactions of their rupture brought up unsettling feelings that motivated them to face the challenges in their marriage without the certainty of an outcome. The regressive feelings and behaviors that surfaced for them are well characterized in the victim/persecutor/rescuer paradigm - the iconic stances of rupture discussed in January’s post. The range of alternating negative emotions in the triangle of dysfunctional distress include blame, hurt, disappointment, fear, anger, exasperation, displeasure, remorse, and guilt. Tim and Barb were clear that these shaming feelings created distance between them as glimpsed in this example of their early struggles to connect.

Tim said that while he readily gives in to the way Barb likes to do things, he doesn’t like how she shouts at him. Barb countered: “Things don’t have to escalate but they do because you won’t go outside of your comfort zone. I wish you would show up and do more than just your chores. Instead, you make excuses and point out what everyone else is doing wrong. You leave me no option but to be controlling.” Tim tried again to let her know that when she gets upset with him like this, even though he may deserve it, he either gets amped up and defensive or passively strikes back by being moody and uncooperative. Barb said either way it was horrible and always seemed to be her fault. She tried not to cry but her tears wouldn’t stop.

As the work of repair unfolded, Tim and Barb continued to have these difficult episodes. They also had interludes of tenderness, vulnerability, emotional maturity and so much more. They wanted to develop compassion, courage, and patience so they could stay connected during the difficult times. They thought spending time with each other in a relaxed way could help them be more comfortable with each other. Since they were both available on Sundays, they decided to grow their emotional muscles by taking turns planning activities for weekly Sunday “dates.”

In their couple’s work, Barb and Tim were realizing how in childhood, for different reasons, they had to cut off their feelings because being vulnerable wasn’t a safe option. Barb lived in an unstable whirlwind of emotional abuse and neglect in her home. Tim’s parents separated and divorced when he five. He was happy when his mother remarried, because his new father provided structure that helped Tim feel safe. Barb added that Tim’s step-father was also a fierce task-master who pressured Tim to do things “right.” Tim was becoming aware that he pressures himself and worries about the “other shoe” dropping. Barb said that as a kid she never had time to feel, much less worry, because she had to take action and manage the chaos. To this day, she’s aware that she speaks her gut feelings whether anyone is listening or not. When Tim told Barb he doesn’t know what to expect from her, she understood and shared how she never knew what to expect from her mother.

After their return from a much-needed vacation, Barb excitedly shared that Tim showed a lot of courage when he told her he was afraid to tell his birth-father and brother that he didn’t want to go on their annual golf outing. Tim knew from experience it would be a “drinking” trip and that he would be pressured to drink with them. Tim let Barb know he wanted to keep his commitment to himself and to her about not drinking and he wanted her assurance that his dad would be OK with his decision. Tim was relieved it went well when he told his father he wouldn’t be going on the trip. Barb appreciated Tim’s honesty and was deeply moved by his request for her support. She announced she was so moved by Tim’s willingness to be vulnerable with her that she wanted to open up with him too. She started by describing herself as one of those kids who “blended into the drywall.” So when an older neighbor was nice to her and invited her to play at his house, she liked having a place to go and she liked his attention, even though she didn’t understand the “sex part.” When her father came around one time, she told him about the neighbor man. He listened to her and let her know he was glad she talked to him. Then he called the police. When the police came, they took the man to jail. Stunned, Tim struggled for words and finally he was able to say, “Barb, I’m really sorry that happened to you, I don’t know what else to say except that my heart hurts really badly.”

In a later session, Barb expressed concern that they hadn’t been as close lately because their Sunday “dates” weren’t happening with much regularity. She shared her disappointment about how Tim tries to outdo himself planning activities for them and then gets overwhelmed and gives up. Barb said she liked how she kept her Sunday “dates” for them simple and easy-going because she was discovering how much she enjoyed relaxing with Tim. She let Tim know how important it was to her that going forward she needed him to keep his agreement to their Sunday “dates” as a way to balance the pressure of their jobs, daily commutes, and chores at home.

For a number of months, Barb was feeling challenged by changes in her work situation. This difficulty came up sporadically without really going anyplace. Then Barb started a session saying she needed to tell Tim how much she had been holding back from sharing her distress about how badly her work situation had become for her. She thought her hesitation in talking with him was less about self-protection and more about her discomfort with sharing in general, because she wasn’t sure she really believed it was OK to ask for support. She told Tim that under the current pressures she could give herself about three more months before quitting. When Tim asked her what she was going to do if she did quit her job, she told him she wanted to go back to school. She said she had always been a good student and she was looking at tech training programs that would take about eighteen months. Tim shared that he feared any added financial stress. Barb nodded awareness and expressed her concern that if she did quit her job and go back to school, she was afraid Tim would indirectly act out his money anxieties and that she would interpret his behavior as a message for her to quit school and go back to work. Tim genuinely admitted to having a hard time managing his anxiety and yet he wanted to help make school happen for her. Barb was surprised and let him know his validation and support wasn’t like anything she’d ever received from anyone. They agreed to work on creating a plan together and she felt hopeful and optimistic. Barb commented, “It’s been easier for us to talk openly with each other about almost anything since we’ve been coming to therapy.”

Clinical Considerations
Repair does not require a dramatic rupture to get it started; it can begin anytime one is curious about what is going on with them. Much of repair involves the time consuming work of unpacking the unknown, hidden and buried regressive feelings exposed by a rupture. Barb and Tim took the risk to move into and through the emotional fluctuations of repair without any guarantees. It was clear to me they shared a deep connection with each other and yet at times it was difficult for me to make sense of who they were together. Tim seemed to come into the marriage wanting to be valued and appreciated as a good and responsible provider. Barb approached their partnership wanting to build a life with someone who would cherish her. Theirs promised to be a good match and while they made a valiant effort to achieve their desires and wishes, their long-standing focus on self-survival kept them apart. For Tim, this meant acting out his vulnerabilities because he didn’t have words for feelings. For Barb, it meant disregarding her feelings with rigid resolve by powering through. Tim’s anxieties about being shamed caused him to either withdraw or attack, which played into Barb’s expectation to be minimized and overlooked. When they came to couple’s counseling, it was to see if they could save their marriage by figuring out what was wrong and to find a way to be emotionally close with each other. As Tim and Barb struggled to discover their feelings, accept them and share them with each other, indications of secure connections began to emerge.

I am deeply moved by the courage Barb and Tim were willing to access in order to grow their marriage by developing trust in each other. As we embark on Resolution with them, however, “living happily ever after” isn’t the next stop.

Developing new habits is hard work and it is never as easy as it seems. Significant questions have yet to be addressed. Will Tim take ownership of his anxiety issues and manage them in a productive way? Will Barb develop healthy and appropriate boundaries so she can properly focus on her own needs? Will they begin to understand how they cycle through a defensive loop of victim/persecutor/rescuer behaviors at each other’s emotional expense? Will they choose to fall back into the relationship patterns that promoted their rupture?

Sign up for an email reminder so you can follow Barb and Tim as their work continues next month into Resolution - the last of the 4 R’s: Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution.

REGRESSION: WHAT'S GOING ON?

We started off the year by introducing the 4R’s - Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution. This helpful easy-to-remember model was developed to effectively deal with internal and interpersonal upsets: to figure out what’s going on and to regain emotional balance. Last month, we focused on a Rupture - an unexpected incident/event - that occurred between Barb and Tim. This month, we will explore Regression - the reappearance of long-buried feelings that were awakened in each of them by their rupture.

Rupture and Regression are the initial dynamics in personal and interpersonal upsets. The rupture between Tim and Barb occurred when he got drunk at a party and Barb found him flirting with another woman. Barb immediately left the party and told Tim not to come home. While this is an extreme example of a Rupture - an unexpected incident or event that sets off a spontaneous chain of primitive startle reactions - it helps illustrate how powerfully regression can reveal one’s deepest vulnerabilities. Regression refers to emotional and physical sensations ranging from mild and manageable discomfort (blushing with embarrassment, for example) to intense and overwhelming distress (such as blind rage) as unconscious connections to past memories and behaviors are awakened by a rupture. It is as if regression is an emotional snapshot that exposes messy emotions, beliefs, defenses, thoughts and feelings from earlier times.

As they recounted their rupture in the early moments of their first couple’s session, Tim’s unbearable feelings of shame and remorse changed him from a grown man into a little boy: he hid his tears, fearing banishment for his behavior. Barb appeared cast in stone as if she was in shock - unable to make sense of her isolation and confusion. Before each could regain adult composure, their moments of regression revealed powerful information to me about feelings each of them must have surely endured as defenseless children, long before they ever met each other.

In their second couple’s session, they were more able to connect with each other and talk about their feelings. Barb’s anger was palpable as she fired off questions at Tim. How could you pick her over me? Is it going to happen again? Has it happened before? In a moment of profound sadness she said “I trusted you so much and you broke that trust.” Tears appeared in her eyes as she added she wasn’t sure she’d be able to trust him again.

Tim admitted that nothing good had ever come from his drinking and that he felt nauseous when he thought about all the things he had done when drunk. He knew he lost her trust as he thanked Barb for letting him come home and for giving him a chance to get things right. He started crying and said “I wanted to grow old with you; everywhere I go, I see older couples together - that’s what I want with you.” Barb replied, “I know you want us to grow old together, but sometimes I don’t feel like you love me - your actions that night didn’t show love for me.”

In their first two couples' sessions, both Barb and Tim took significant steps toward repair. Barb said she wouldn’t kick him out again and yet added she couldn’t get past feeling stupid for trusting him. Tim pledged to correct the damage and pain he caused her.

Clinical Considerations
We are only as strong as our weakest links - the lowest common denominator of our vulnerabilities. We often find ways to work around our limitations with such success that the original liability appears to become an asset. These illusions of security become the power behind our strongest defenses. It is hard to believe that the parts of ourselves that we believe would destroy us are often the aspects of ourselves that - if known, understood and accepted - can actually develop secure connections. Barb and Tim both put their best selves forward in their courtship and marriage. Barb experienced Tim as responsible. Tim experienced Barb as confident and independent. In their marriage, their weakest links were exposed over and over again in small ways that could be excused away with moderate doses of denial or even be transformed into endearing qualities.

This rupture could no longer disguise their weakest links. Tim’s reckless acting out and Barb’s cool detachment revealed something fundamental in them that neither could overlook. What caused Tim’s lapse in being responsible? What drove Barb to believe that cutting off from Tim was her only option? As their couple’s therapy continues, the personal feelings, attitudes and behaviors that regression uncovered can come into focus and they can begin to appreciate how the roots of their early emotional burdens shaped them.

Attending to the depths of vulnerability that surface in Regression, however, is difficult and daunting work that requires stamina. Can Tim uncover and tackle what drives him to act irresponsibly? Can Barb understand and address her reactive dismissiveness? Are they willing to give verbal expression to their unspoken disappointments with aspects of their individual lives and with each other? Will they avoid the work of healing their marriage, either because they don’t think the other is worth the effort or because they fear moving toward repair might only make things worse? Will they be able to tolerate experiencing the regressive dynamics of ruptures as they appear again and again in the forthcoming work of repair and resolution? Is each of them motivated enough to make and keep a commitment to delve into the roots of their difficulties as exposed in the initial stages of the 4 R’s?

Subscribe now to follow Barb and Tim as their work continues through the 4 R’s’ in the coming months and track Tim and Barb’s progress through repair and resolution.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

In 2014, we explored examples of how interpersonal upsets can regularly occur between and among our friends, spouses, family members, in-laws, and co-workers. Although these upsets are something we all experience, we often have no idea how they occur, much less how to untangle them. To start off 2015, we’ll track a single, initial upset to its eventual resolution within a series of four blog posts, focusing on the complexities of each step in the example and how they manifest within one’s own self and among others.

Tim and Barb, married for seven years, attended a big party and were looking forward to a fun evening together. As soon as they arrived, Tim started downing cocktails and ended up getting very drunk. Later in the evening, Barb turned a corner only to discover him with his arms around another woman. Feeling completely betrayed and unbelievably angry, she immediately left the party and told Tim not to come home. Over the next few days, horrified by his actions and really frightened by Barb’s anger, Tim begged her to attend a couple’s therapy session in order to hear him out. She finally agreed, and Tim scheduled an appointment.

When they arrived at my office, both Tim’s remorse and Barb’s anger were palpable. Tim expressed how regretful he was for his behavior and for hurting her so deeply. Barb confronted him about his pattern of drinking to blow off steam and how he uses getting drunk as an excuse to act out inappropriately. He acknowledged that he loses track of himself when he drinks, and yet felt certain his behavior wasn’t a reflection on her or their marriage. Barb disagreed, adding that she wasn’t sure she could get over his infidelity, regardless of his perspective. Tim’s pledge to repair the damage he caused and his admission that he avoids sharing his feelings openly struck a chord with her. She was emotionally moved by Tim’s openness and newfound willingness to communicate with her, even though she was still feeling very vulnerable and unsure as to whether she’d be able to trust him again. She also expressed concern that maybe their marriage wasn’t as good as she thought it was.

Clinical Considerations
Let’s begin the New Year by exploring a helpful model for understanding what is going on and what is needed to help when things go wrong. “The 4 R’s” are Rupture, Regression, Repair, and Resolution. It is important to realize how getting thrown off balance by an unexpected incident or event (Rupture) can set off a chain reaction of feelings. Barb and Tim have experienced a rupture. In the next blog we will explore Regression - the chain reaction of responses and the disruptive feelings that unfold, often out of one’s conscious awareness. Then in the following blog entries the helpful tools in “the 4 R’s,” Repair and Resolution, will be described. They are the conscious, proactive steps in this model that support secure connections and relationship regulation.

Let’s take a closer look at Barb and Tim’s rupture and identify some of the spontaneous startle events that occurred for each of them. Barb was startled by the sight of Tim’s flirtatious connection with another woman. Tim was startled by Barb’s departure and directive he not to come home. Barb was startled to realize her marriage might not be all that she thought it was.

Ruptures are common in relationships, gay or straight, personal or work-related. Barb and Tim are an example of a rupture which can severely threaten any relationship if not resolved appropriately. Not all ruptures and startle responses are as extreme as Barb and Tim’s and yet their situation, when broken down, helps identify the defining elements of a rupture: an unexpected incident, a spontaneous primitive startle response, and an emotional reaction (from mild to severe). Minor ruptures happen all the time in daily life, with no intention to offend, and these are mostly mild and easy to manage. Yet many people tend to move away from upsetting situations - either by avoiding them completely or by minimizing them and hoping they will blow over. Such avoidance can ultimately cause long-standing difficulties in one’s relationships.

Consider how the various ways one might experience a rupture could correspond to iconic dysfunctional stances identified in the victim/persecutor/rescuer paradigm. In the victim role, one is filled with hurt feelings, disappointment and fear; in the persecutor role one might react first with feelings of anger, exasperation and displeasure that later give way to shame, remorse, and guilt; and in the rescuer role, one feels overwhelmed and wants only to make everything okay again. Learning to recognize and manage one’s typical response to a rupture can allow us to modify the range of disruptive reactions that occur when startled by a disturbing incident or event.

Subscribe now to follow Barb and Tim as their work continues through the 4 R’s’ in the coming months.

SEEKING THE PERFECT GIFT...

As holiday expectations awaken nostalgic feelings of how life could be and merge with “the stuff that dreams are made of,” disillusionment abounds. The power of these wistful longings can take us by surprise amidst the demands of our busy lives. As seen in the group interactions below, added bumps in the road can impose unsettling ‘shoulds’ that make it difficult to contain disappointment in a season when cheerfulness is the holiday norm.

Lauren started the group session by saying she was feeling awkward and embarrassed about an upset that occurred during a phone call with her friend Jake. She reminded the group that she first met Jake when he dated her college roommate. Since they have jobs near each other, they continue to spend a lot of time together even though their friendship is strictly platonic. When Lauren recently called Jake to arrange a holiday get-together, she was shaken when he said he had a date. In group, she mumbled under her breath that she thought she was just being silly.

Mike, a long-time group member, was concerned that Lauren was minimizing her feelings and said he wanted to know more about what was upsetting her. The rest of the group echoed his concern.

Lauren told us she really didn’t understand why she was taken aback when Jake said he had a dinner date with Sarah, a co-worker of hers whom he met when Lauren took Jake to a work event. Lauren told us she felt a jolt of jealousy and wasn’t able to sufficiently mask this feeling. She could hear Jake’s discomfort as he explained how networking with Sarah seemed to be a good idea since they were in the same field. Lauren told us she hurriedly agreed with him, adding that Sarah had always seemed nice; then she abruptly ended the phone call. Lauren admitted that she was surprised by her intense feelings and asked the group if they thought her feelings reflected some latent romantic interest in Jake.

John asked Lauren if she felt abandoned by Jake. Lauren said she was mostly feeling left out of the loop with him and that, if not for the scheduling conflict, she wouldn’t even know about Jake’s interest in Sarah. John countered that her implied supposition - that if she didn’t know about it, it wouldn’t have bothered her - was irrelevant, because she does know about it and it is causing her pain!

Christa said she was curious about John’s agitation but that she first wanted to tell Lauren how much she understood her feelings because of a similar experience. She told Lauren how she was surprised by feelings of anger, jealousy and disappointment when she inadvertently found out that Ruth, her ex, was included in a get-together with friends they had known as a couple for over a decade. Even though she knew she wouldn’t have wanted to be included, she said, “It really hurts to be left out!” Christa then added that it was soothing to focus on the good things in her life, including being in this group.

Mike said he didn’t want to be insensitive but that he identified with Jake wanting a real girlfriend. He said he is hoping to meet someone - maybe at one of the holiday parties - before he heads home to his family’s incessant inquiries about “settling down.” Separate from that pressure, Mike explained that he actually feels ready for someone special to come into his life, to be with during the holidays and beyond.

Mary added that her teenage daughters struggle weekly with stinging disappointment and pain about who’s in and who’s out with this friend or that clique. That these shifts occur regularly with lightning speed doesn’t make handling these difficulties any easier for her or them. Addressing Lauren directly, she said, “Of course it is upsetting to discover that your friendship with Jake is changing.”

As the group connected with Lauren, themselves and each other, I was aware of John struggling with some difficult emotions. I asked him if he had a personal connection to his concern that Lauren had been abandoned. He said he sensed a lot of sadness in the group and that it reawakened the loneliness he continues to feel during the holidays ever since his mother died when he was fourteen. John said, “I miss how she made the holidays wonderful with smells, music, decorations, laughter and joy. Without her, every year the holidays are a sad stretch of time from Thanksgiving to New Years for everyone in my family.” As tears pooled in John’s eyes, Christa let him know she now understood what was going on for him earlier when he confronted Lauren. John nodded his appreciation to her and to the group.

Clinical Considerations
This holiday season summons early memories and experiences. For some, these are heartwarming remembrances. Others hope that this year a meaningful connection will somehow materialize in the glow of holiday cheer, a connection that will magically satisfy their deepest yearnings. Fantasies of holiday dreams coming true can actually make us more vulnerable to disappointment and inadvertent slights by others. When these upsets awaken and amplify past sorrows the pain is real.

The ongoing need for secure and satisfying connections within oneself and with others is a universal condition. Achieving and experiencing these important connections confound many of us. A major culprit in keeping deep connections out of reach is the belief that we ‘should’ keep difficult feelings concealed. Sadly this is a behavior valued by many. Unacknowledged and unexpressed feelings actually cause personal problems and relationship difficulties. Perhaps you noticed in the group’s interactions how each group member spoke openly about their feelings, how they valued joining with each other, and how their exchanges reflected efforts to appreciate and connect in their group therapy work. The commitment to grow together is embraced by the group members as they engage collaboratively to understand and connect with one another within the safe and secure container of the group experience.

If you have someone in your life who provides you the space to share your feelings openly, who creates time to connect with you and who will witness you without judgment as your life unfolds, consider yourself blessed. If you don’t have such a person in your life, you are at risk for letting your difficult feelings go underground again until this time next year. Discover how sharing with others in the here and now of a group is the real gift to seek.

PS: Group psychotherapists also provide individual therapy to help you understand you needs and goals before you join with others in a psychotherapy group. Find a Certified Group Psychotherapist in your local area: http://member.agpa.org/scriptcontent/Directory/CGPDir/cgpdirectory.aspx

SHARING THANKS

We met Kara and Dave in the September 2014 blog post. At Dave’s request, they came for a couples session to check on how they were doing as newlyweds and then decided to continue couples therapy to strengthen their relationship. A big issue for Dave was his concern that Kara agreed with whatever he wanted without ever letting him know what she wants. Kara appreciated his honesty; however, she didn’t understand how her desire to please Dave didn’t make him happy. Others like how she attends to them and her mother not only likes it, she expects it, especially during her drinking episodes. It was difficult for Kara to consider the significance of how her mother’s drinking encouraged Kara’s need to please others instead of being fully in relationship with them. At my suggestion, Kara started attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics to better understand her mother’s impact on her behavior. While this was hard work for Kara, she was excited to be growing in her marriage with Dave. All was going well and they both liked feeling closer and safer with each other.

Hosting Thanksgiving dinner for both their families seemed a lovely way for them to express their appreciation for their families’ ongoing support. Kara and Dave imagined how organizing this special event would be a fun activity for them to do together. Yet, it wasn’t unfolding as they had hoped. Each time Dave offered to take on responsibilities, Kara said she had them covered, even though he knew she didn’t. Finally Dave decided to talk about this with Kara in a couples session.

In the session, Kara told Dave she wanted everything to be perfect and that she didn’t have the time to teach Dave how to do certain things, much less trust that he would follow through and carry them out well. Dave was angry and accused Kara of being unfair. Kara argued that she wouldn’t have to shut him out if he would just let her take care of things. Dave thought Kara’s logic was skewed although he could see how he used enthusiasm to coerce Kara into cooperating and to veil his own disappointment. Kara admitted having a negative reaction to Dave’s enthusiasm. She recalled times with her mother when she joined in on what was promised to be a fun activity, only to have it end up becoming a horrible mess for Kara to clean up. Whenever her mother was involved, “perfect” was a fantasy. Kara realized how believing if she took on the sole responsibility for Thanksgiving she could protect Dave from feeling awful when her mother messed it up was her fantasy. As Kara said this, she started to recognize how pleasing others was really more about controlling outcomes.

Clinical Considerations
Dave and Kara are making strides in their relationship. At this point we can observe how they feel safe enough to struggle with the underlying, unconscious dynamics in their shared life together. Kara’s idea of normal is reflected in her attempts to be pleasing in order to protect those she loves. Children of alcoholics typically care for others to get the approval they need. This plays out for Kara in her relationship with her mother. No matter how often Kara attempts to prevent upsets, she seems to fail and then is left to clean up her mother’s messes. At some level Kara believes she isn’t good enough to warrant love unless she is perfect. Kara repeats this dynamic when she justifies shutting Dave out of their Thanksgiving preparations. Dave’s anger at Kara is new behavior for him. As Dave willingly takes responsibility for manipulating Kara and deflecting his own disappointment, he is met by Kara openly responding to his generosity and humility. Hosting their first Thanksgiving gathering is providing them abundant opportunities to appreciate each other’s vulnerabilities and deepen their commitment to each other.

DITCHING THE DISGUISE

Kristin is a 29-year old who appears to “have it all”: she is successful at work; she is popular with her colleagues and friends; and she has been with her boyfriend, Josh, for two years and anticipates a marriage proposal soon. Yet, she feels overwhelmed and inundated by the eagerness of her girlfriends, who seem certain about almost everything: when couples get engaged, how much time between the proposal and wedding, when to merge households, what type of wedding, where to honeymoon and so forth. Kristin’s secretly struggling because her preference has always been to accommodate the expectations of others rather than to make her own choices. 

When she realizes she can’t maintain her “having it all” disguise, she starts avoiding meeting up with her friends. Instead, she goes home most evenings and curls up on the couch with a bottle of wine to relax and calm her nerves.

The downside of this was that drinking every evening made her feel sluggish during the day. It wasn’t until her work performance became erratic that she took the initiative to schedule a therapy appointment.

Clinical Considerations

For as many individuals who seek therapy to cope with clinical issues, there are also those who simply come for help to get through a particularly tough time. After a few sessions, Kristin felt more in charge of her life again and less anxious.  She stopped drinking every night and started exercising again after work. She confided in Josh about feeling pressured by the constant advice from their friends about everything having to do with their lives.  Josh was supportive and reassuring.

Kristen used therapy to look at her pattern of accommodating others’ expectations of her. She began to realize how her perceptions of what she thinks others expect of her is really self-imposed. This helped her begin to figure out what she wanted for herself and to trust showing up as herself in her relationship with Josh and her interactions with others.

Kristin is proud of being proactive about her self-care. She likes the work she has been doing in therapy. She’s back on track at work. She and Josh have agreed to have regular checkpoints of their own - rather than subscribe to any ‘expected’ timelines from their friends.  She is even thinking about shifting from individual therapy to group therapy as a way to continue to make strides within herself and in the company of others.

GETTING REAL

Kara and Dave came in for a counseling session at his suggestion, just to make sure they were doing okay a little over a year into their marriage. They both described their relationship as being pretty easygoing and conflict-free. Kara said she thinks she is a good wife; she likes supporting Dave, and he likes her pampering attention. He just wishes she would let him pamper her too.

They continued to meet with me, and in one of their sessions, Dave expressed concern that Kara doesn’t voice any disagreement with him at all—constructive or not. He told Kara that it’s as if she’s walking on eggshells and wondered if he was doing anything to frighten her. Kara didn’t think so, but did state her focus is on keeping him from getting upset. I wondered if perhaps Kara thought she could prevent upsets between them if she smoothed out any possibility of emotional wrinkles before they even occurred. Yes, she nodded; she does this so Dave will love her.

When I followed up with Kara about preventing upsets, she told me that she did this with her mother and how it seemed to make life easier. Dave commented that sometimes his mother-in-law drinks too much and it can get really uncomfortable for everyone. When Kara said it wasn’t really that bad, Dave sighed and looked away. I asked Dave what was going on and he said, “Kara is keeping you at arm’s length the same way she does with me.” He added that seeing Kara be so vague with me about her long-standing problems with her mother made him feel hopeless. “It’s like she is there but isn’t really there, and no matter how nice Kara is to me, I end up feeling lonely.” Kara cried, then she told Dave she was trying so hard to be a good wife and she didn’t mean to upset him. She promised to work harder to make it easier for him to love her.

Clinical Considerations
A common yet mistaken belief is that “goodness ensures love.” The flaw in this is that it frames love as a deliverable commodity rather than a felt emotion. Believing that one is only as good as the value they provide is a trap. Kara didn’t create this trap for herself, yet she is continuing to live it because she believes it is her responsibility to prevent upsets. In doing this, she is proving she is good and, therefore, loveable.

In couple’s therapy with Dave and by attending, at my suggestion, meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Kara is learning how ACOAs tend to have distorted perspectives about love. Children who have been denied good care themselves and were required to care for their parent(s) think if they were just “better” it would be different. Kara’s solution was to first anticipate her mother’s needs and, when that failed, to simply say “yes” to her mother’s demands. This habitual pattern became her default response to keep the peace.

It wasn’t until Dave told Kara how lonely he was that she started to recognize how her anxious attentiveness made her feel lonely, too. Kara sees now how loving Dave “perfectly” is going to be impossible for him and for her—because when she focuses the spotlight on him, she has no way to be in that glow with him. Kara is beginning to understand that fawning over Dave isn’t the same as connecting with him. While it still scares her to get too close to him, Kara recognizes how getting real with him will strengthen and grow their marriage.