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Spoken Truths: A Shared Journey explores the complex nature of personal and relationship issues through fictional vignettes. Many readers, including my professional colleagues, like the informal tone and appreciate its insights.

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Puzzle Pieces: Reflections on Repair

For the past few months we’ve been working through various aspects of the 4 Rs model (Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution). We have learned that when a Rupture unbalances us in the here-and-now, Regressive emotions can be activated to bring the past unexpectedly into the present with a disorienting array of feelings. The discomfort that follows can be painful and often puzzling. In Repair, we take time to approach and honor these feelings in order to identify and explore their significance.

For many, making sense of Regressive emotions is like sitting down to one of those puzzles of a thousand pieces. It requires patience sorting for patterns, persistence linking the pieces, and cleverness joining them to reflect the picture on the puzzle lid. The difference when decoding one’s personal emotions is that there is no picture for guidance, only painstaking effort until awareness and meaning evolve.

In this blog post, we will rejoin the group members from the June 2015 vignette. Observe how, in Repair, their collaborative approach supports curiosity about oneself and each other as they identify puzzle pieces which emerge in their ongoing work.

At the start of the session, Jim announced he had unfinished business with Francie for suggesting he uses his wife’s inability to connect as a way to justify avoiding her. He said he felt minimized and humiliated by Francie in front of everyone. Group members recalled Jim’s frustration with Francie when he exclaimed, “What if my wife’s love is just a façade?” They wondered if Jim’s anger with Francie could be similar to the distress he experiences with his wife. As Jim considered this, he was surprised that his struggles with his wife showed up in the group. Francie said she felt frightened by Jim’s anger and he wondered if his anger frightens his wife. Hank jumped in and said, “I don’t get it, Francie. How is it that you are afraid of Jim’s anger, but not the anger you elicit in your partner? Startled by Hank’s comment, Francie said nothing.

The work of unfinished business captures the essence of Repair and multiple puzzle pieces emerged. Jim acknowledged how his anticipation of being shamed could set him up for feeling angry and upset. Doug considered how his fear of being devalued and rejected makes him cautious with others. Grace wondered if feeling flawed and unworthy of kindness keeps her isolated and afraid. Francie admitted feeling bewildered and ashamed by the contradictions in her behavior.  

Doug followed up again with his question to Jim about what needed to change for Jim to experience success connecting with his wife. Jim recalled he had said “the solution is awareness of the cause,” but thinking about it now, he doesn’t understand what he meant. Doug thought it might speak to a need to explore deeper feelings as a way to uncover causes and reveal possible solutions. Jim said, “Doug, I admire your willingness to say what you are thinking and feeling. You have a lot of courage, awareness and good sense. I value how you show up in group.” Doug blushed and wondered aloud, “Maybe my sensitivity to being rejected is less about me and more about those who, for whatever reason, aren’t ready to take in my observations and insights.”

Francie said she was realizing how she might have put her own behavior on Jim. She explained how Doug’s insight, about feeling rejected by those who don’t want to acknowledge what he is saying, struck home. “I wonder if I provoke fights with my partner because I don’t like what she is saying to me. It seems I want to avoid admitting to myself that maybe she sort of knows me.” Tears welled up as she said, “I hope I can let myself be known enough in group so together we can figure it out.”

Hank told Francie that her comment from the last session, about how negative attention is better than getting the nothing she expects, hit him like a punch.  Hank explained how he and his father have lots of interactions but rarely connect. “When my dad starts picking on me, I wait for a trap door to swallow me up and save me. I am realizing how being alone seems to be more appealing to me than connecting.” Grace asked Hank what he thought the “trap door” represented. Hank looked to me for an answer. I encouraged him to stay connected with Grace and he noted his habit of looking to female authority figures for help. Grace told Hank she didn’t like being blown off and that she would bring it back to group as unfinished business. As the session was ending, Jim said he resonated with Hank’s “trap door” image more as an “escape hatch,” and then admitted to Francie that he too has fears about letting others get too close.  

Clinical Commentary

Repair addresses the jumble of emotions and behaviors that surface in the confidential setting of group. Awareness of the 4 Rs helps group members stay connected to one’s self and each other. As Ruptures occur in group, so do Regressive reactions as one’s defenses, enactments, and projections come into focus. Curiosity about these regressive thoughts, behaviors and emotional stances can evoke mixed feelings of pain, anger and grief.

Viewing group interactions and insights as puzzle pieces offers members a valuable perspective for approaching their relational dynamics. As puzzle pieces connect, authentic feelings are awakened in the here-and-now of group. Working together to decode one’s early patterns of self-protection positively reframes current insecurities as group members actively affirm their commitment to each other with their continued work.   

In the September blog post, the group will address more of their puzzle pieces as Repair continues and resilience is realized.

REFLECTIONS ON REGRESSION: THE POWER OF THE PAST ON THE PRESENT

As children we pick up on everything and experience all feelings as our own, even when some are aspects of our parents’ spoken and unspoken concerns. When feelings are too complicated or overwhelming they get set aside; however, they are not forgotten. 

Earlier this year, we explored the 4 Rs - Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution. When a Rupture unbalances us in the here-and-now, Regression brings the past unexpectedly into the present as a tangled mess of feelings. The discomfort that follows can be painful and often puzzling. As my clients become more aware of these feelings, they begin to recognize the most intense of these emotions, the ones they fear most, are sense-memories from the past.

In the following group psychotherapy session, group members work together to help each other grow the emotional muscles necessary to explore the then-and-there intrusions of Regression.

Jim updated the group on his continuing disappointment with his wife. “I know I have more self-respect because of the work I am doing with all of you in group, yet the lack of connection my wife has with me feels achingly familiar. In the moment, it feels like a new wound even though I sense at some level it is an old emotional memory. I don’t know how to handle myself with her because when I am vulnerable, she either cuts off emotionally or verbally humiliates me.” Francie asked Jim if he thought he might be using his wife’s inability to connect as a way to justify cutting off from her. Jim responded in frustration saying “What if her love is just a façade?”

Grace wondered if Jim’s wife’s struggle might be similar to hers. “I realize the kinder people are to me, the more alone I feel. My mother told me not to trust people who offer help or kindness, so I don’t.” She added sadly, “I feel like I am constantly holding my breath and this has been going on for as long as I can remember. It is as if she brainwashed me into believing I was some kind of a freak who doesn’t deserve kindness and care. It feels like my life is in ruins because I can’t escape her influence.”

Doug said he might feel something similar when he fears he will be rejected for not being likable. “It is easier for me to avoid moving toward others, even when I want to, so they can’t reject me.” Grace said she understood how Doug couldn’t allow himself to feel worthy of acceptance because of how he was treated in his family. She let him know she experiences him in group as being available and tender in his connections. Doug said he liked hearing her expression of care for him.

Jim expressed appreciation of Doug’s continued efforts to take risks in group and shared how in business situations he feels nervous when he has to engage with others and then is pleasantly surprised when he is well received. Doug wondered what would have to change for Jim to have similar success with approaching his wife. Jim wondered aloud if perhaps “the solution is awareness of the cause.” 

Hank announced that the difficulties with his father had surfaced again. When this happens, “it is as if I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me. It confuses me that my dad would want to hurt me. If I defend myself, he makes me feel guilty and ashamed for standing up to him. When I don’t defend myself, I feel angry and sad for pretending everything is ok when it isn’t. Either way is frustrating. My dad talks to me in a way that leaves me no room to respond. I hope you all know that I couldn’t have realized this if you hadn’t told me that my intrusive and intimidating behavior in group makes it difficult for you to connect with me.”

Francie reflected, “I am aware how willing my partner and I stay stuck in a pattern of not knowing each other just because it feels familiar. For me, it is as though when I fight with her, it actually quiets my abandonment fears.” She continued, “I realize fighting is a way I get attention and a feeling of connection with her. While it seems strange, negative attention is better than getting the ‘nothing’ I expect. So round-and-round I go, creating disruptions to avoid feeling alone with her.”

Hank added, “I am also beginning to realize how, when my dad throws energy at me, even though it might look like a connection, it isn’t really a connection or even an effort to connect because there is no room for me to respond.” Jim admitted recognizing Francie’s ‘round-and-round I go’ pattern with his wife and owned that sometimes when he gets the connection he wants with her, he has a way of either not letting himself appreciate it or he finds some way to devalue it.

Grace realized she isolates herself by pulling in and shaming herself. Francie said she pushes at people for connection when she is anxious and then feels bad when they move away. Doug wondered if he might reject himself first and then gets fearful of others rejecting him. As they each recognized the similarities and unique differences of how they protect themselves, they seemed to feel good about being honest with each other.  

Clinical Considerations

Regression is the most misunderstood and avoided step in the 4 Rs model because it contains and conceals difficult feelings from the past. When Regression follows a Rupture, our sense of self and safety as adults is threatened when the past seems to take over the present. The urge to reject these uncomfortable feelings or to redirect them onto others is often compelling and can lead to a sense of profound loneliness. In the 4 Rs, Regression helps us focus on old feelings set aside in childhood.  

When regressive feelings start to overwhelm my clients, I remind them that they have already lived through these frightening experiences. I help them see how when they get locked in Regression, they become frozen in their past and can’t take any productive action in the present. Becoming emotionally resilient enough to make sense of unresolved then-and-there sense-memories from the past allows them to fully live in the here-and-now.

Group psychotherapy is among the best treatment practices for clients struggling with relentless regressive feelings. As group members track and share their feelings, they help to slow down each other’s anxious reactions, enough to begin identifying past feelings of shame and dispelling faulty assumptions. As a group develops itself into a secure relational resource, group members can confront their fears; explore relationship dynamics; and recognize avoidance patterns.  

Staying with one’s difficult feelings in a psychotherapy group allows members to witness for each other what could not be remembered. Group members help each other create room to address old regressive feelings and transform them into personal road maps toward Repair - the space of deeper connections.  

Summer 2015:  A July/August Blog will delve more deeply into the 4 Rs with reflections on Repair.

IN HONOR OF MOTHER'S DAY

When honoring my “mothers,” I remember the women who positively guided me early on as well as those who inspired me later. Regardless of when they arrived in my life, each distinctly influenced, shaped and enhanced my well-being in a multitude of ways. When I was a young clinician, Virginia Satir fortified the foundations of my professional development. That she was later considered the “Mother of Family Therapy” makes honoring her this month all the more special.

“The Group as Family: Using Group Psychotherapy to Promote Relationship Regulation” first appeared as the March 2015 guest blog post for the “MADaboutMFT” Blog of the Middle Atlantic Division of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. When the Virginia Satir Global Network asked to feature it in their March 2015 publications, it was viewed around the world. Then it recirculated again in the spring issue newsletters of two of my professional communities: the Mid-Atlantic Group Psychotherapy Society and the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy & Psychoanalysis.

While this special feature is a different format from my regular posts, I hope introducing one of my “mothers” will have meaning for you.

The Group as Family: Using Group Psychotherapy to Promote Relationship Regulation

“Empowering Women, Empowering Humanity: Picture It!”
(The UN’s 2015 international theme for March - Women’s History Month)

As I was preparing this blog post, I noticed earlier essays reflected commemorative themes for the given month. When I learned March is Women’s History Month, I immediately thought of Virginia Satir, one of our very own, as well as an international leader in Family Therapy. The UN’s March 2015 theme, noted above, evokes the empowering dynamics of Virginia Satir and resonates with her affirmation: “Peace Within, Peace Between, Peace Among.” 

I had the privilege of participating in half-a-dozen training conferences with Virginia Satir held between 1977 and 1981 during the launch of her Avanta Network Conferences. It was thrilling to experience her innovative principles of human-validation-through-personal-empowerment demonstrated with individuals, couples, and families. Her authentic connections engendered our trust and cooperation as she engaged with conference attendees in large and small groups. She invited us to bring our whole-selves into the here-and-now of our connection with her. It was as if each of us became a canvas upon which she imprinted the patterns of her magic so we could retrieve our personal understandings of her later in our own lives and work.

My early encounters with Dr. Satir powerfully shaped my ways of knowing as a clinician. Her family sculpting seminars conveyed her belief that people are basically good, although at times misguided, and captured the essence of healing by showing us that change was an achievable goal. As she co-created a family system with audience volunteers by positioning them physically into emotionally-laden portrayals, she trusted they would become fully alive in the psychodrama to reveal the real issues underlying the identified problem. The principles embedded in her family sculpting trainings metabolized within me over time and became the foundation of what I refer to as the 4 R’s (rupture, regression, repair and resolution) - a helpful and easy-to-remember model I developed for clients to effectively approach, identify and manage internal and interpersonal upsets. In the example of Virginia Satir’s family sculpting demonstration that follows, I will identify how the 4 R’s are reflected in her process.

Imagine a large conference room filled with people focused on Virginia Satir’s commanding energy dominating the stage. She initiates a sculpting demonstration by requesting that a conference attendee volunteer to portray a difficult family dynamic and for him/her to be the “in-house family member” in the case presentation. Together they determine the “cast of characters” in the family representation. Dr. Satir then draws volunteers from the audience as “stand-ins” to represent the other family members. With great care and attention to detail, Dr. Satir physically positions the family “stand ins” to match the “in-house family member’s” perceptions of each family member’s particular role, attributes and interaction patterns, until the family difficulty is accurately portrayed (Rupture). Dr. Satir instructs the participants to freeze and hold these role-defined postures for what seems a very long time. She asks them to continue to hold these positions of collective distress, while she individually checks in with each of them. Dr. Satir gently approaches each family member, one after another, with physical proximity and remarkable rapport as she sensitively inquires about his/her feelings. Throughout this gripping and prolonged sequence, poignant and congruent emotions spill forth from each of them as they share their experiences with her (Regression). As Dr. Satir instructs them to shake off the sculpted postures and the associated emotions, she affirms and acknowledges their willingness to be open and vulnerable (Repair). The sculpting experience for the “in-house family member” is a profound learning experience. In addition, each of the “stand-in” family members also learns something personally significant about themselves (Resolution).

We all face interpersonal challenges in our relationships and struggle to make sense of what is going on and to regain emotional balance. Dr. Satir’s family sculpting exercise encourages us to look beyond the superficial details of an identified problem/rupture (as it is rarely the real issue); and instead asks us to go deeper to explore how regressive coping strategies, that once worked to protect us, can now be an underlying source of our problem.

Virginia Satir continually demonstrated the universal need for congruent connections and deeper understandings in our emotional relationships. Her amazing confidence in people was communicated every time she invited total strangers up to a stage to bond together in the common goal of healing. It seemed likely to me that if she could engage others in the process of healing and change, then perhaps I could too. So over the years, I integrated many aspects of Virginia Satir’s model both consciously and unconsciously and now notice how much they are rooted in my clinical work with individuals, couples, families and groups. Dr. Satir’s most significant influence is reflected in the trust that my clients are working toward their personal benefit and for the well-being of others.

My experiences as a marriage and family therapist and as a group psychotherapist have provided me a multi-faceted framework. This kaleidoscopic perspective provides insight into the intricacies of a client’s internal and interpersonal world. When such insight is elusive, I find that a client’s participation in group therapy can be particularly helpful. When a new member joins one of my groups, either from my private practice or as a referral from a colleague, s/he steps into a family sculpture of sorts. Within the secure and confidential space of group, members’ attachment and relationship patterns come into focus in the interplay of group activity.

In the world of group psychotherapy, good-fit enactments often occur and powerfully reflect secure connections that influence positive self-esteem for group members. More often, however, bad-fit enactments occur and highlight family distortions, disruptive behaviors and incongruent communications. As group members project their own family patterns onto each other and unconsciously assume varied roles from their families of origin, bad-fit dynamics in the group play out as internal and interpersonal ruptures with corresponding regressive feelings. While these interaction patterns in the group are similar to one’s family-of-origin dynamics, the good news is that they are not the same. The difference is that the group-as-a-whole contains, witnesses, and reflects on the ruptures and regressive feelings between and among its members.

The beauty of group therapy as a holding container for exploring family issues is that it is a powerful medium for healing, growth and change as members take risks to experience vulnerabilities they might not otherwise dare to express with a spouse, family member or co-worker. As group members observe, consider and mentalize their own and others’ behaviors and beliefs, they see how these dynamics can play out differently than they did in their families of origin. As repair and resolution become the new experiences that allow for deeper levels of self-awareness, group members discover how sincere communication patterns can powerfully reshape the quality of their relationships both in and out of the group.

I am thankful for Virginia Satir’s powerfully healing gifts. Her influence allowed me to develop an integrated sensitivity to family and group therapy dynamics.

Citations
Cleary, T. (2015, March 5). The Group as family: Using group psychotherapy to promote relationship regulation.

Middle Atlantic Division: American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy at "MADaboutMFT blog." <http://madmft.org/2015/03/05/the-group-as-family-using-group-psychotherapy-to-promote-relationship-regulation/> (24 April 2015).

--- (2015, March 19). Posted by Sharon Loeschen under the heading "Trish Cleary honoring Virginia Satir during

Women’s History Month" at Virginia Satir Global Network at "Blog." <http://satirglobal.org/trish-cleary-honoring-virginia-satir-during-womens-history-month/> (24 April 2015).

--- (2015, Spring). Reprinted in MAGPS News, 46, 8 & 10. [MAGPS is the Mid-Atlantic Group Psychotherapy Society, an affiliate of the American Group Psychotherapy Association.] <http://www.magps.org/conferences/archive/2015%20spring/S15News.pdf> (24 April 2015).

--- (2015, April). Reprinted in ICP+P Connections, the e-Newsletter of the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy. < http://icpeast.org/icpp-newsletter-15/newsletter-april-2015/> (3 May 2015)

RESOLUTION: MOVING FORWARD WITH THE 4 R'S

We started 2015 with the 4 R’s - Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution - a useful, easy-to-remember model developed to help address internal and interpersonal upsets.

Rupture and Regression are reactive unconscious responses that expose what’s really going on when upsets occur. The January post presented a Rupture between Barb and Tim that marked the onset of their couple’s therapy. The February post focused on the spontaneous messy feelings of Regression that threatened Tim and Barb’s marriage.

Repair and Resolution are proactive conscious choices that support relationship health. The March post followed Tim and Barb in the work of Repair to promote awareness and trust, as they willingly explored their vulnerabilities revealed by their regressive feelings. Now, with April’s post, we continue with Barb and Tim in work of Resolution.

Significant themes have been emerging for Tim and Barb throughout the 4 R’s. In their Rupture, abandonment and rejection were evident. In Regression, shame and powerlessness arose. And in Repair, awareness and trust grew. Now in Resolution, achieving acceptance will generate new possibilities. Resolution is the fourth and final step of the 4 R’s; and this is the final post about Barb and Tim’s healing journey.

As we begin the work of Resolution with Tim and Barb, they are in a better place with each other, even though their weakest links of mutual reactivity, insensitivity, and defensiveness still show up when they get cranky. These core behaviors will most likely continue to play out between them, to a greater or lesser degree, one way or another. The difference for them now is that they take time to resolve issues rather than avoid them or painfully act them out. Their Sunday “dates” have evolved into times of comfortable connection. They like the feeling of belonging with each other as they enjoy both special and everyday activities.

You may recall that Tim and Barb were taking steps to support Barb’s desire for a career change. As Barb eagerly organized her transcripts and registered to go back to school, her enthusiasm provided the needed distraction from the challenges she was experiencing at work. When the time came for Barb to quit her job, however, Tim blurted out that she couldn’t stop working to go to school. His abrupt announcement was disorienting and she withdrew into herself. Later she attempted to connect with Tim to let him know that her disappointment left her feeling empty. When he apologized for cutting off from her, thinking she had been angry with him, Barb realized she hadn’t been aware he had disconnected. She wanted Tim to know how grateful she was that he showed up, even though his approach was difficult for her. She assured him, “when I get quiet, it isn’t meant to punish you. I was working really hard to make sense of everything; but when I forgot to come back to you, it wasn’t fair to either of us. When we don’t share our thoughts and feelings, we can’t get to the positive outcomes of working together.”

Talking together like this gave them a chance to share the difficult thoughts and feelings each had endured alone. Tim let Barb know he was really disappointed in himself for re-playing his defensive stuck patterns of getting moody, blaming and cutting off. He owned his anger at Barb for wanting more than he could provide and with himself for taking on more than he could handle. He acknowledged his fear of failure and his tendency to avoid challenging situations. He was glad he finally admitted he couldn’t make it work even though he wished he could have. Barb shared how unsettled she felt by her belief that he would figure out a way to make it work when typically she wouldn’t trust anyone to show up for her. Tim wondered if maybe Barb liked the idea of letting herself need him. She appreciated this perspective and readily acknowledged how not believing in him isn’t warranted. Barb wanted Tim to understand that if quitting her job and going to school wasn’t going to work for him, it really wouldn’t have worked out for her either. They liked how they worked together through this setback and agreed that when and if school for Barb was going to occur, it would be in a way that supported success for them both. Barb and Tim’s evolution into this level of maturity marked a significant change from where they were when they started couple’s therapy. They liked feeling good about their commitment to their work together and were pleased they now use words to express their concerns and their caring for each other.

Clinical Considerations
In the work of the 4 R’s with Barb and Tim, it was clear from the beginning they didn’t know how to sustain an ongoing secure connection with each other beyond their marriage vows. Each had a variety of primitive defenses they inflicted on themselves and each other. Their need for self-protection from vulnerable feelings took a toll on the well-being of their relationship. Tim’s commitment to stop drinking was instrumental in their healing work together. They both showed courage as they went through the painful times of anguish and despair in Rupture and Regression. The time and effort they gave to each other in Repair helped them realize how opting out of being in relationship, by choosing isolation within the dysfunctional triangle’s alienating “victim/persecutor/rescuer” behaviors, actually reinforced their feelings of shame and insecurity. It was heartening when they were able to offer each other compassion for the emotional injuries they each suffered as children.

In the work of Resolution, we observed Barb and Tim connect with each other verbally about their difficult feelings, modify their reactive behaviors, and reconnect more easily. In the months ahead, Tim and Barb’s developing emotional maturity supported them when Tim was devastated by grief with the deaths of family loved ones. He was able to openly share his sorrow with Barb and accept her comfort. Barb’s work situation improved and she was glad to feel valued in a rewarding job. As Tim and Barb reflected on the hard work they accomplished in couple’s therapy, they were proud of their efforts and happy to feel securely connected and fully engaged with each other in their marriage.

Creating new habits requires focused attention on the weakest links of one’s deepest vulnerabilities in order to break out of unconscious, reactive, and regressive behaviors. A willingness to tolerate the temporary discomfort of recurring regressive feelings in Rupture and Regression helps to tame defensive reactions. The key emotional muscles needed to build secure connections are: humility, compassion (for oneself and others), dedication (to staying connected to oneself and another), and communication (by openly sharing one’s feelings with words). The work of becoming conscious about one’s deepest fears and choosing proactive habits during Repair builds trust. Fostering acceptance and the 4 R’s of relationship regulation in Resolution provide a stable foundation for healthy choices, conscious connections, and productive outcomes that can occur in as many ways as there are couples, relationships, individuals, families and friendships.

Using the 4 R’s as an ongoing self-assessment tool is particularly helpful when one is struggling with “shoulds” and difficult feelings. They are a good resource for smoothing out awkward moments with friends, co-workers and family members. Engaging the guidance and support of a psychotherapist and/or a psychotherapy group can provide helpful support on your journey toward acceptance.

REPAIR: A JOURNEY TO CONNECTION

Our discussion of the “4R’s – Rupture Regression, Repair and Resolution” began in January 2015. This is an easy-to-remember model for identifying and effectively managing internal and interpersonal upsets. When a rupture occurred between Tim and Barb at a party, their regressive emotional reactions revealed significant struggles in their relationship. Follow their work now in the proactive conscious steps of relationship regulation - Repair and Resolution. In this post the focus is on Repair: a time of awareness, truth and understanding.

Tim and Barb started moving toward repair when the regressive reactions of their rupture brought up unsettling feelings that motivated them to face the challenges in their marriage without the certainty of an outcome. The regressive feelings and behaviors that surfaced for them are well characterized in the victim/persecutor/rescuer paradigm - the iconic stances of rupture discussed in January’s post. The range of alternating negative emotions in the triangle of dysfunctional distress include blame, hurt, disappointment, fear, anger, exasperation, displeasure, remorse, and guilt. Tim and Barb were clear that these shaming feelings created distance between them as glimpsed in this example of their early struggles to connect.

Tim said that while he readily gives in to the way Barb likes to do things, he doesn’t like how she shouts at him. Barb countered: “Things don’t have to escalate but they do because you won’t go outside of your comfort zone. I wish you would show up and do more than just your chores. Instead, you make excuses and point out what everyone else is doing wrong. You leave me no option but to be controlling.” Tim tried again to let her know that when she gets upset with him like this, even though he may deserve it, he either gets amped up and defensive or passively strikes back by being moody and uncooperative. Barb said either way it was horrible and always seemed to be her fault. She tried not to cry but her tears wouldn’t stop.

As the work of repair unfolded, Tim and Barb continued to have these difficult episodes. They also had interludes of tenderness, vulnerability, emotional maturity and so much more. They wanted to develop compassion, courage, and patience so they could stay connected during the difficult times. They thought spending time with each other in a relaxed way could help them be more comfortable with each other. Since they were both available on Sundays, they decided to grow their emotional muscles by taking turns planning activities for weekly Sunday “dates.”

In their couple’s work, Barb and Tim were realizing how in childhood, for different reasons, they had to cut off their feelings because being vulnerable wasn’t a safe option. Barb lived in an unstable whirlwind of emotional abuse and neglect in her home. Tim’s parents separated and divorced when he five. He was happy when his mother remarried, because his new father provided structure that helped Tim feel safe. Barb added that Tim’s step-father was also a fierce task-master who pressured Tim to do things “right.” Tim was becoming aware that he pressures himself and worries about the “other shoe” dropping. Barb said that as a kid she never had time to feel, much less worry, because she had to take action and manage the chaos. To this day, she’s aware that she speaks her gut feelings whether anyone is listening or not. When Tim told Barb he doesn’t know what to expect from her, she understood and shared how she never knew what to expect from her mother.

After their return from a much-needed vacation, Barb excitedly shared that Tim showed a lot of courage when he told her he was afraid to tell his birth-father and brother that he didn’t want to go on their annual golf outing. Tim knew from experience it would be a “drinking” trip and that he would be pressured to drink with them. Tim let Barb know he wanted to keep his commitment to himself and to her about not drinking and he wanted her assurance that his dad would be OK with his decision. Tim was relieved it went well when he told his father he wouldn’t be going on the trip. Barb appreciated Tim’s honesty and was deeply moved by his request for her support. She announced she was so moved by Tim’s willingness to be vulnerable with her that she wanted to open up with him too. She started by describing herself as one of those kids who “blended into the drywall.” So when an older neighbor was nice to her and invited her to play at his house, she liked having a place to go and she liked his attention, even though she didn’t understand the “sex part.” When her father came around one time, she told him about the neighbor man. He listened to her and let her know he was glad she talked to him. Then he called the police. When the police came, they took the man to jail. Stunned, Tim struggled for words and finally he was able to say, “Barb, I’m really sorry that happened to you, I don’t know what else to say except that my heart hurts really badly.”

In a later session, Barb expressed concern that they hadn’t been as close lately because their Sunday “dates” weren’t happening with much regularity. She shared her disappointment about how Tim tries to outdo himself planning activities for them and then gets overwhelmed and gives up. Barb said she liked how she kept her Sunday “dates” for them simple and easy-going because she was discovering how much she enjoyed relaxing with Tim. She let Tim know how important it was to her that going forward she needed him to keep his agreement to their Sunday “dates” as a way to balance the pressure of their jobs, daily commutes, and chores at home.

For a number of months, Barb was feeling challenged by changes in her work situation. This difficulty came up sporadically without really going anyplace. Then Barb started a session saying she needed to tell Tim how much she had been holding back from sharing her distress about how badly her work situation had become for her. She thought her hesitation in talking with him was less about self-protection and more about her discomfort with sharing in general, because she wasn’t sure she really believed it was OK to ask for support. She told Tim that under the current pressures she could give herself about three more months before quitting. When Tim asked her what she was going to do if she did quit her job, she told him she wanted to go back to school. She said she had always been a good student and she was looking at tech training programs that would take about eighteen months. Tim shared that he feared any added financial stress. Barb nodded awareness and expressed her concern that if she did quit her job and go back to school, she was afraid Tim would indirectly act out his money anxieties and that she would interpret his behavior as a message for her to quit school and go back to work. Tim genuinely admitted to having a hard time managing his anxiety and yet he wanted to help make school happen for her. Barb was surprised and let him know his validation and support wasn’t like anything she’d ever received from anyone. They agreed to work on creating a plan together and she felt hopeful and optimistic. Barb commented, “It’s been easier for us to talk openly with each other about almost anything since we’ve been coming to therapy.”

Clinical Considerations
Repair does not require a dramatic rupture to get it started; it can begin anytime one is curious about what is going on with them. Much of repair involves the time consuming work of unpacking the unknown, hidden and buried regressive feelings exposed by a rupture. Barb and Tim took the risk to move into and through the emotional fluctuations of repair without any guarantees. It was clear to me they shared a deep connection with each other and yet at times it was difficult for me to make sense of who they were together. Tim seemed to come into the marriage wanting to be valued and appreciated as a good and responsible provider. Barb approached their partnership wanting to build a life with someone who would cherish her. Theirs promised to be a good match and while they made a valiant effort to achieve their desires and wishes, their long-standing focus on self-survival kept them apart. For Tim, this meant acting out his vulnerabilities because he didn’t have words for feelings. For Barb, it meant disregarding her feelings with rigid resolve by powering through. Tim’s anxieties about being shamed caused him to either withdraw or attack, which played into Barb’s expectation to be minimized and overlooked. When they came to couple’s counseling, it was to see if they could save their marriage by figuring out what was wrong and to find a way to be emotionally close with each other. As Tim and Barb struggled to discover their feelings, accept them and share them with each other, indications of secure connections began to emerge.

I am deeply moved by the courage Barb and Tim were willing to access in order to grow their marriage by developing trust in each other. As we embark on Resolution with them, however, “living happily ever after” isn’t the next stop.

Developing new habits is hard work and it is never as easy as it seems. Significant questions have yet to be addressed. Will Tim take ownership of his anxiety issues and manage them in a productive way? Will Barb develop healthy and appropriate boundaries so she can properly focus on her own needs? Will they begin to understand how they cycle through a defensive loop of victim/persecutor/rescuer behaviors at each other’s emotional expense? Will they choose to fall back into the relationship patterns that promoted their rupture?

Sign up for an email reminder so you can follow Barb and Tim as their work continues next month into Resolution - the last of the 4 R’s: Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution.

REGRESSION: WHAT'S GOING ON?

We started off the year by introducing the 4R’s - Rupture, Regression, Repair and Resolution. This helpful easy-to-remember model was developed to effectively deal with internal and interpersonal upsets: to figure out what’s going on and to regain emotional balance. Last month, we focused on a Rupture - an unexpected incident/event - that occurred between Barb and Tim. This month, we will explore Regression - the reappearance of long-buried feelings that were awakened in each of them by their rupture.

Rupture and Regression are the initial dynamics in personal and interpersonal upsets. The rupture between Tim and Barb occurred when he got drunk at a party and Barb found him flirting with another woman. Barb immediately left the party and told Tim not to come home. While this is an extreme example of a Rupture - an unexpected incident or event that sets off a spontaneous chain of primitive startle reactions - it helps illustrate how powerfully regression can reveal one’s deepest vulnerabilities. Regression refers to emotional and physical sensations ranging from mild and manageable discomfort (blushing with embarrassment, for example) to intense and overwhelming distress (such as blind rage) as unconscious connections to past memories and behaviors are awakened by a rupture. It is as if regression is an emotional snapshot that exposes messy emotions, beliefs, defenses, thoughts and feelings from earlier times.

As they recounted their rupture in the early moments of their first couple’s session, Tim’s unbearable feelings of shame and remorse changed him from a grown man into a little boy: he hid his tears, fearing banishment for his behavior. Barb appeared cast in stone as if she was in shock - unable to make sense of her isolation and confusion. Before each could regain adult composure, their moments of regression revealed powerful information to me about feelings each of them must have surely endured as defenseless children, long before they ever met each other.

In their second couple’s session, they were more able to connect with each other and talk about their feelings. Barb’s anger was palpable as she fired off questions at Tim. How could you pick her over me? Is it going to happen again? Has it happened before? In a moment of profound sadness she said “I trusted you so much and you broke that trust.” Tears appeared in her eyes as she added she wasn’t sure she’d be able to trust him again.

Tim admitted that nothing good had ever come from his drinking and that he felt nauseous when he thought about all the things he had done when drunk. He knew he lost her trust as he thanked Barb for letting him come home and for giving him a chance to get things right. He started crying and said “I wanted to grow old with you; everywhere I go, I see older couples together - that’s what I want with you.” Barb replied, “I know you want us to grow old together, but sometimes I don’t feel like you love me - your actions that night didn’t show love for me.”

In their first two couples' sessions, both Barb and Tim took significant steps toward repair. Barb said she wouldn’t kick him out again and yet added she couldn’t get past feeling stupid for trusting him. Tim pledged to correct the damage and pain he caused her.

Clinical Considerations
We are only as strong as our weakest links - the lowest common denominator of our vulnerabilities. We often find ways to work around our limitations with such success that the original liability appears to become an asset. These illusions of security become the power behind our strongest defenses. It is hard to believe that the parts of ourselves that we believe would destroy us are often the aspects of ourselves that - if known, understood and accepted - can actually develop secure connections. Barb and Tim both put their best selves forward in their courtship and marriage. Barb experienced Tim as responsible. Tim experienced Barb as confident and independent. In their marriage, their weakest links were exposed over and over again in small ways that could be excused away with moderate doses of denial or even be transformed into endearing qualities.

This rupture could no longer disguise their weakest links. Tim’s reckless acting out and Barb’s cool detachment revealed something fundamental in them that neither could overlook. What caused Tim’s lapse in being responsible? What drove Barb to believe that cutting off from Tim was her only option? As their couple’s therapy continues, the personal feelings, attitudes and behaviors that regression uncovered can come into focus and they can begin to appreciate how the roots of their early emotional burdens shaped them.

Attending to the depths of vulnerability that surface in Regression, however, is difficult and daunting work that requires stamina. Can Tim uncover and tackle what drives him to act irresponsibly? Can Barb understand and address her reactive dismissiveness? Are they willing to give verbal expression to their unspoken disappointments with aspects of their individual lives and with each other? Will they avoid the work of healing their marriage, either because they don’t think the other is worth the effort or because they fear moving toward repair might only make things worse? Will they be able to tolerate experiencing the regressive dynamics of ruptures as they appear again and again in the forthcoming work of repair and resolution? Is each of them motivated enough to make and keep a commitment to delve into the roots of their difficulties as exposed in the initial stages of the 4 R’s?

Subscribe now to follow Barb and Tim as their work continues through the 4 R’s’ in the coming months and track Tim and Barb’s progress through repair and resolution.